School has started here for most kids and seeing my neighbors start high school is crazy. To me they seem so young and little even though some of them are taller than me. Except, being taller than me is not hard to do. As I look back I remember wondering how I would feel about not going back to school when it started. Well, I am not sad about it but I am feeling exactly as I knew I would feel. The feeling of, what the f*** am I going to do with my life now?
Who am I? Dont worry I know my name but I never really knew who I am. As I look in the mirror I never liked what I saw. Okay, that’s the worse example ever because I never liked my looks. Yeah thats right, if I was rich I would go get surgery to become the perfect puppet of our culture. Anyways, I could do it like in the movies and just drive or go away until I find myself but their is no guarantee that will work. Maybe I could do a math problem to figure it out but who am I kidding? I hate math so that wouldnt work. There has to be more to me besides my name.
Do I have a purpose? With all the chances I have been given in this world there must be one. I use to think everyone had a purpose but I am not sure. There are so many people without one in this world. People who wander around like zombies. I guess they havent found one yet or they have given up on looking. I will find my purpose or purposes somehow someway. Its really about making your purpose.
Where do I start? Starting is the biggest challenge. Its hard to know where exactly to start but is there really a wrong place to start? Starting anywhere seems better than starting nowhere. Exploring is always an idea. Finding where I belong. Where I will shine. Where my heart is.
Can I do this? Wouldnt it be great if I could say yes with confidence but all I can say is I think so. I will definitely try. I am unstoppable once I can do something.
Am I ready? I am ready to live but not ready for life.
So, it may take me longer than a lot to get my grips on life but I will slowly get there. I got the car which will help me get out there and explore. Just gotta build my motivation, self esteem and confidence. Have to find out whats out there for a unique gal like me. I have to create myself. Once I am created, world watch out!
I had my written drivers test Wednesday morning and I failed. There are fifty questions and you are allowed to get ten wrong but I got eleven. I even studied a lot which is rare for me to do. Made me so mad and upset. Especially, since the very first time I took the written I passed. Its hard since I dont allow imperfection for myself. I am almost nineteen and I still dont have my license. I wonder if I will ever pass it now. Even if I do eventually pass there wont be room to take the road test until the end of September or later. Yup, thats how full the schedule is. By then my permit will expire so who knows what will happen. I hope eventually this will all work out because driving is my passion.
So, to keep my mind from beating myself up for failing I worked on some photography today as you can see above. I think I made a pretty cool selective color photo. Funny thing is my eyes arent blue. Just sometimes depending on the lighting my eyes get a blue tone to them. I made all sorts of interesting stuff in photoshop. A good way to show yourself is through art. I also created some videos today. Creating videos makes me feel better because I am not going to be down in front of a camera. Thats no fun to watch. So, I put a smile on, hit record and ta da, my mind focuses on making a good video.
I really hope everything works out soon. I am not so confident right now. I was feeling so motivated for my license which is rare for me since I have low self esteem and low motivation. I am a driver but not a test taker. I will eventually get my license because its possible. I dont have to be positive because I just end up being mad and disappointed with myself. So, now it is time to just wait for the day I take Baby Blue out for a long drive on my own.
I love this photo of me and Oliver. It is actually a still shot from the video, The J Bieber. Oliver is such a cutie! Dont cry. I know his cuteness can have that ability on people. Hehe. Even though he is a brat at times I love him to bits. He can always put a big smile on my face. Oliver!!!
I spent most of today driving my mom around in my jeep. I am her own personal taxi driver. Taking her where she needs to go and for free. Well, I get a place to live and a car to drive in return. Plus, I enjoy driving her. Anything to get in my jeep and drive it around. I use to hate driving. Scared I would hit something or someone. Now, I cant keep my foot off the gas pedal. Well, it helps to have the right car. Baby Blue is the perfect size car and we just are a good team. I am feeling pretty confident for my drivers test in August. Just a little more practice and I think I can pass. Til then I will practice as much as I can. Wanna go for a ride? Lets go!
Happy fourth of July or Independence day. Whichever one you like to call it. There may be a few things I dislike about this country but that does not mean I do not love it. There is so much to love about the USA. I think its stunning what this country has and does. Look at the hundreds of different cultures we have here. The many different lifestyles, religions and everything else. I think the most wonderful thing is people have a chance to live up to their dreams. Some call it the American dream but I dont like calling it that. To me that is too specific to one type of dream. I am talking about all dreams. The ones you dream at night and daydream during the day. They can be accomplished here.
Its been a long time since I had blonde streaks in my hair. They grew out and just was lazy to put them back in. But since graduation is Wednesday (yes Wednesday!!!), I decided to have my mom put some back in. They came out pretty nicely. I would look good with all blonde hair but I dont know if I want to be a full dumb blonde. At least with streaks it makes me just part dumb blonde. Hehe. Thats my excuse for my ditsy moments I have. Anyways, my hair is ready for graduation and so are my eyebrows. Yes, I got my eyebrows waxed today. They needed some cleaning up. Twenty bucks for eyebrow waxing. What a world! Well, its worth it since its for graduation.
I got inspired to do this post from a great song called Scars by Allison Iraheta. The song is about how she tries to be what the guy wants but she has faults like everyone else. He keeps trying to make her perfect or find someone who is perfect. This is one of the things I do not like about our society and culture. Trying to form someone or yourself into the thing called “perfect”. There is not a person who is perfect in this world. We all make mistakes and we all have our faults. Its human nature. Like it or not.
I witness it in and out of school. People not liking someone because of faults. For example, I know a few teenagers who do not like someone just because of their looks. Their looks! If you are going to hate someone because they do not fit your picture of good looking then that is just wrong. Most people (including me) when they look at themselves in the mirror they do not like what they see. I could point out hundreds of things I would change about my looks and body but we forget where the true beauty is. The true beauty is inside of us.
Here are some of my faults and flaws: Short. Not skinny. Bad at math. Depression. Attachment problems. Hiding my feelings and thoughts. Being unique. Adopted. Love to eat. Doing stupid stuff without thinking. Crying. Being me. Not being a girly girl. Ugly. Dog Lover. Quiet. Loud. Etc… You are all probably thinking I am crazy for writing most of those as some of my faults. I do know though there are people out there who would put me down for a lot of the stuff that I listed. It has happened but I am not going to change to get into the “perfect” category. I do know that there are people who love me for most of the stuff on that list and that is what gives me strength to help me continue to be me.
Oh, I forgot! There are perfect people. Do you know who? The people who accept their faults, other people’s faults and live as themselves without changing. Dont let people who are negative about your faults bring you down. Just laugh. Why? Because those people have just as many faults as you do. Let me tell you something. If you think life would be better if you were perfect with no faults you are kidding yourself. Life would be boring. No goals. No lessons to learn. So, enjoy being imperfect because that is what makes you unique and special.
I have always been interested in documentaries. Especially, ones to do with psychology and mental illnesses. Maybe its because I have my own various mental problems that I deal with everyday, which means I can connect with the documentaries. For whatever reason understanding mental illnesses is an interest of mine. So, when my mother told me about Boy Interrupted, which is a documentary about a boy named Evan that dealt with bipolar disorder (manic depression) who committed suicide, I decided I have to see it. I watched it with my mom the day it came in the mail. It was sad but a good documentary full of information and strength.
In this post I am going to share about the secrets of my mind that most of you probably do not know. The side of me that I do not let most people know about. The side I do not talk about much. I will explain and express the thoughts and feelings I deal with everyday. The ways I cope and the things in life that keep me going. Also, I will share my viewpoints on the documentary and how I can relate and what is different between Evan and me. So, sit down. Get ready to read a lot because this will probably be long and full of emotion and me. Its a great way to express myself because it is definitely easier for me to write than talk about my feelings. My therapy through writing.
Lets start off with some history of me. Most of you know that I was adopted from Russia when I was three years old. Did you know the first few years of life is so important for a child’s development? It is. Which means I probably did not get the right guidance and care when I was a baby. It is the same thing with all animals. Look at an abandoned puppy that does not grow up with its mother and siblings. It might end up having bad social skills or cant play right with other dogs. My point is the first few years of life is when a child learns the skills to socialize and express themselves. That could be the reason why I do not express my feelings a lot or well. Do I blame or hate my birth mother for that? No. She did what she decided to do. Why live with hate towards someone who was probably dealing with her own problems. I dont know what she was going through and I never will. I am thankful to her because I have the best mom now who gave me my second chance in life.
As a toddler I use to have tantrums and so did the boy from the documentary. You know how kids have tantrums for attention a lot as a toddler? I dont think that is why I had mine most of the time. Looking back I can remember being in a tantrum and I feeling trapped. Kinda like a totally different person in control. The other side of me. You know how people have seizures and cant control them? It is like that except in tantrum form. I use to scream and cry until I could not anymore. Then after I would feel worse because I put my mom through hell. Even when I was little I got mad at myself for putting my mom through the drama. Maybe it was a way to escape pain. Maybe it was my way to express myself because I did not know any other way how. It might of been the first sign of me having some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. Now I cope in different ways to handle my problems.
I know some of you say I am an old soul in a young body. Maybe I am. Maybe I am just trying to find me. Even when I was young I always thought I was suppose to be an adult. I have always preferred being around grown ups instead of people my age. Do I enjoy it all the time? No. It bothers me at times. Irritates me. Why cant I just live my age? Why cant I enjoy being a teenager? I mean a lot of teenagers have problems but even as a child I felt trapped. Trapped inside and cant get out. Almost like being trapped in a box with glass sides. Just looking out at the world. Waiting to be released. Waiting for my chance to enjoy life. Maybe I am waiting for myself to realize my purpose. Is there one or am I just here? I do believe everyone has a purpose in this world. They just need to discover it and I am still trying to. I hope to get out of this glass box one day.
Okay, enough about my history. Lets talk more about me now and how I cope with life and my mind. I do suffer from depression. I have most of my life. Dealt with feelings of being down. Feelings of guilt. Feelings of suicide. Laziness and everything else. Do I think it is just depression? No I dont. I mean doctors never diagnosed me with anything else but that could be because I am pretty secret about what I go through. I would diagnose myself as bipolar. That is Doctor Anna’s diagnosis. I do suffer from manic episodes and all the other bipolar symptoms. I can be really hyper and happy but then the next second I can be gloomy, lazy and suicidal. Or I do something really crazy and stupid for no reason. I got to stop that! I remember the first time I saw a movie about a girl who had bipolar and I could relate to her so much. Something clicked and I felt like I realized why I was the way I am. Why I felt that way. Doctors do not need to diagnose me because I am my own doctor. I diagnosed myself.
There are days I can go from happy to sad at least a few times throughout the day. I do not need any reason to be down or happy. You know how when you are depressed there is a clear reason why most of the time? Not always for me. It can be a hundred reasons why or none. Most of the time I do not have a clue. Just a switch in my brain going on and off. Thoughts spinning. I can be down for days or just for a few times throughout the day. Can people tell? Not always because one way I get through life is with my tough girl mask. Its a pretty neat mask. It comes with a smile that can cover a lot of emotion. I made it myself. I know I sound like a hypocrite to my own words. I tell people to not wear a mask and to just be you. The thing is there are different types of masks. Good and bad masks. Mine is not to hide the true me. I still have my opinions and I am not trying to be someone else. I wear a mask just to hide the mental illnesses I deal with. Why would I want to be labeled as something else? I get judged enough for everything else that people want to see wrong with me. Plus, you know how people use their illnesses to get away with stuff? Oh, I have bipolar that is why I cant do that and that and that. Thats why I failed bla and bla. I hate how people do that! How is that healthy or helpful? I do not want to be friends with my illnesses. I want to be able to cope but not use it to get away with stuff.
We all know I hate school. I hate school with a passion. It is not just because of the work. Its not school itself that I hate. I am smart but my mind blocks me at times. It is torturous for me. Is it because of my mental instability? I think that has a big impact. Why? Because there are days I wake up with no motivation to put a pencil to a piece of paper. I end up handing in papers and projects late. The teachers ask me where is it and I tell them it is not done. Like I said above I don’t bring my illness into the reason. I know I look lazy and not responsible but I do try. My motivation level is very low in me. Very little self esteem but I have a strong will that keeps me going. I wish my mom saw that I do try. I know I disappoint her at times but all I try is to make her happy the best I can. Thats why I try to avoid talking about school. It irritates me because I do try but it just does not show always. Teachers threaten to call my mom. Do I care anymore? No. Why? Because it will just cause a fight with her and wont help my motivation. I do the work. Just it takes longer for me at times. Also, I am a perfectionist towards myself. I need everything I do to be perfect or it is horrible.
Living as me is not easy. It is like living in a world where you do not belong. Do I belong somewhere in this world? I do believe so. I am not sure where. I wish I knew. I hope to find that place one day. What keeps me going in life? My mom. Being her strength keeps me strong. She gives me so much love and inspiration. You have to be one amazing women to want to be my mother and deal with me. My dogs keep me going but especially Princess. If I ever have a problem I can always just hold Princess and pet her. She doesn’t talk back or look at my faults I have. She will walk miles with me, just to get away from everything for awhile. She is my furry angel with paws. My own personal therapy dog that is available at all times. Another thing that helps me through life everday is music. How? Music can soothe the soul and plus songs can relate to people’s emotions. There are lots of songs that can explain how I feel and life itself. Listening to music makes me happy. It always has. Maybe its the connection that comforts me. One other thing. Those few special people out there that I can be me around. I dont have to hide and I can be open about anything with them. They like me for me and do not judge me for my weaknesses. Why are there so few? It does not matter. As long as there are a few people out there that stand out. Who care. Who see me and who help me through. Thank you!
There is no way to know exactly what Evan felt at that moment while standing on the ledge of the window before taking his life. Personally, I think life just was too much for him. Too big. Too challenging. He just wanted out. Could he have been saved? Yes, he could of but the real question is would he ever be truly happy? Really happy? He was on medication for awhile that seemed to help him but he wanted to off them. The parents and psychiatrist decided to give it a try. He slowly started going down hill. Before they were able to put him back on medication he took his life. Should they have left him on medication? I do not know. He probably would of stopped taking them anyway if he did not want them. I took myself off my medication a long time ago. It was stupid and risky but I was not going to live a life on medication. To me medication makes me someone I am not. I do not want to be happy because of medication. I rather work through my problems and learn what makes me happy in life without pills. I am stubborn I know. No pain no gain right? Right!
Why me? Why do I suffer from it? I do not have a clue. Maybe my birth mother did too. They did say she was an alcoholic which means maybe she was trying to numb the pain of depression. Who knows! For whatever reason I am one of thousands who deal with it. I cant change it. I can only learn ways to cope with it. I am not going to say if you have depression or bipolar disorder that I understand you. I dont think anyone knows exactly how someone feels with it unless you are that person. But I will tell you I know how it feels to be down and hopeless. I know the feeling of being alone. The feeling of no motivation. So, do not think you are alone. You are not. Maybe that is why I want to help people with depression, bipolar or other mental illness. I know how it feels. It helps to be able to connect that way. One day i would like to help teenagers and adults who deal with it to see life is worth living. There is something out there for them and they are here for a reason. First, I need to figure out my purpose. Maybe that is my purpose. I do not know yet but I will keep trying to find it.
I think I have gone on long enough. I could continue with all my thoughts and opinions and my world but I will let your eyes have a rest. Let those eyes rest! To conclude, Evan and I had similarities but differences too. He suffered from mental illness also but the difference was he could not overcome them. They were too much for him to handle and he just left this world behind. I am too strong willed to let my mind take control of me most of the time. Sometimes I wish I was not so strong but I am thankful for it. It keeps me alive. Helps me through every hour of everyday. In life you can change things for the better but death is permanent. Its not easy in my life but its better than not having no life. So, all I have to do is take a step at a time. Its a rocky road but I got to keep my feet on the ground and find the meaning of life. I hope everyone had a nice week. The weather was gorgeous here. Stay happy and positive because it is Friday!
Have you ever forgotten who you really are? The person that is inside and not out? Sometimes (even a lot of the time) we are someone who we are not. At least at my age it seems to be a big deal about who you are and if you will be accepted. If you are slightly different and dont like something you can end up being looked at weirdly. How do I know? I am very different from everyone but really everyone is. It use to bother me being different. It is like why dont they like me and why do they put down for what I like? The thing I had to realize is there is nothing wrong with what interests I have and that there are people who like me for me. Dont be someone who you are not just to fit in. Be you. You will find people who will like you for you and that is what matters
