I have always been interested in documentaries. Especially, ones to do with psychology and mental illnesses. Maybe its because I have my own various mental problems that I deal with everyday, which means I can connect with the documentaries. For whatever reason understanding mental illnesses is an interest of mine. So, when my mother told me about Boy Interrupted, which is a documentary about a boy named Evan that dealt with bipolar disorder (manic depression) who committed suicide, I decided I have to see it. I watched it with my mom the day it came in the mail. It was sad but a good documentary full of information and strength.
In this post I am going to share about the secrets of my mind that most of you probably do not know. The side of me that I do not let most people know about. The side I do not talk about much. I will explain and express the thoughts and feelings I deal with everyday. The ways I cope and the things in life that keep me going. Also, I will share my viewpoints on the documentary and how I can relate and what is different between Evan and me. So, sit down. Get ready to read a lot because this will probably be long and full of emotion and me. Its a great way to express myself because it is definitely easier for me to write than talk about my feelings. My therapy through writing.
Lets start off with some history of me. Most of you know that I was adopted from Russia when I was three years old. Did you know the first few years of life is so important for a child’s development? It is. Which means I probably did not get the right guidance and care when I was a baby. It is the same thing with all animals. Look at an abandoned puppy that does not grow up with its mother and siblings. It might end up having bad social skills or cant play right with other dogs. My point is the first few years of life is when a child learns the skills to socialize and express themselves. That could be the reason why I do not express my feelings a lot or well. Do I blame or hate my birth mother for that? No. She did what she decided to do. Why live with hate towards someone who was probably dealing with her own problems. I dont know what she was going through and I never will. I am thankful to her because I have the best mom now who gave me my second chance in life.
As a toddler I use to have tantrums and so did the boy from the documentary. You know how kids have tantrums for attention a lot as a toddler? I dont think that is why I had mine most of the time. Looking back I can remember being in a tantrum and I feeling trapped. Kinda like a totally different person in control. The other side of me. You know how people have seizures and cant control them? It is like that except in tantrum form. I use to scream and cry until I could not anymore. Then after I would feel worse because I put my mom through hell. Even when I was little I got mad at myself for putting my mom through the drama. Maybe it was a way to escape pain. Maybe it was my way to express myself because I did not know any other way how. It might of been the first sign of me having some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. Now I cope in different ways to handle my problems.
I know some of you say I am an old soul in a young body. Maybe I am. Maybe I am just trying to find me. Even when I was young I always thought I was suppose to be an adult. I have always preferred being around grown ups instead of people my age. Do I enjoy it all the time? No. It bothers me at times. Irritates me. Why cant I just live my age? Why cant I enjoy being a teenager? I mean a lot of teenagers have problems but even as a child I felt trapped. Trapped inside and cant get out. Almost like being trapped in a box with glass sides. Just looking out at the world. Waiting to be released. Waiting for my chance to enjoy life. Maybe I am waiting for myself to realize my purpose. Is there one or am I just here? I do believe everyone has a purpose in this world. They just need to discover it and I am still trying to. I hope to get out of this glass box one day.
Okay, enough about my history. Lets talk more about me now and how I cope with life and my mind. I do suffer from depression. I have most of my life. Dealt with feelings of being down. Feelings of guilt. Feelings of suicide. Laziness and everything else. Do I think it is just depression? No I dont. I mean doctors never diagnosed me with anything else but that could be because I am pretty secret about what I go through. I would diagnose myself as bipolar. That is Doctor Anna’s diagnosis. I do suffer from manic episodes and all the other bipolar symptoms. I can be really hyper and happy but then the next second I can be gloomy, lazy and suicidal. Or I do something really crazy and stupid for no reason. I got to stop that! I remember the first time I saw a movie about a girl who had bipolar and I could relate to her so much. Something clicked and I felt like I realized why I was the way I am. Why I felt that way. Doctors do not need to diagnose me because I am my own doctor. I diagnosed myself.
There are days I can go from happy to sad at least a few times throughout the day. I do not need any reason to be down or happy. You know how when you are depressed there is a clear reason why most of the time? Not always for me. It can be a hundred reasons why or none. Most of the time I do not have a clue. Just a switch in my brain going on and off. Thoughts spinning. I can be down for days or just for a few times throughout the day. Can people tell? Not always because one way I get through life is with my tough girl mask. Its a pretty neat mask. It comes with a smile that can cover a lot of emotion. I made it myself. I know I sound like a hypocrite to my own words. I tell people to not wear a mask and to just be you. The thing is there are different types of masks. Good and bad masks. Mine is not to hide the true me. I still have my opinions and I am not trying to be someone else. I wear a mask just to hide the mental illnesses I deal with. Why would I want to be labeled as something else? I get judged enough for everything else that people want to see wrong with me. Plus, you know how people use their illnesses to get away with stuff? Oh, I have bipolar that is why I cant do that and that and that. Thats why I failed bla and bla. I hate how people do that! How is that healthy or helpful? I do not want to be friends with my illnesses. I want to be able to cope but not use it to get away with stuff.
We all know I hate school. I hate school with a passion. It is not just because of the work. Its not school itself that I hate. I am smart but my mind blocks me at times. It is torturous for me. Is it because of my mental instability? I think that has a big impact. Why? Because there are days I wake up with no motivation to put a pencil to a piece of paper. I end up handing in papers and projects late. The teachers ask me where is it and I tell them it is not done. Like I said above I don’t bring my illness into the reason. I know I look lazy and not responsible but I do try. My motivation level is very low in me. Very little self esteem but I have a strong will that keeps me going. I wish my mom saw that I do try. I know I disappoint her at times but all I try is to make her happy the best I can. Thats why I try to avoid talking about school. It irritates me because I do try but it just does not show always. Teachers threaten to call my mom. Do I care anymore? No. Why? Because it will just cause a fight with her and wont help my motivation. I do the work. Just it takes longer for me at times. Also, I am a perfectionist towards myself. I need everything I do to be perfect or it is horrible.
Living as me is not easy. It is like living in a world where you do not belong. Do I belong somewhere in this world? I do believe so. I am not sure where. I wish I knew. I hope to find that place one day. What keeps me going in life? My mom. Being her strength keeps me strong. She gives me so much love and inspiration. You have to be one amazing women to want to be my mother and deal with me. My dogs keep me going but especially Princess. If I ever have a problem I can always just hold Princess and pet her. She doesn’t talk back or look at my faults I have. She will walk miles with me, just to get away from everything for awhile. She is my furry angel with paws. My own personal therapy dog that is available at all times. Another thing that helps me through life everday is music. How? Music can soothe the soul and plus songs can relate to people’s emotions. There are lots of songs that can explain how I feel and life itself. Listening to music makes me happy. It always has. Maybe its the connection that comforts me. One other thing. Those few special people out there that I can be me around. I dont have to hide and I can be open about anything with them. They like me for me and do not judge me for my weaknesses. Why are there so few? It does not matter. As long as there are a few people out there that stand out. Who care. Who see me and who help me through. Thank you!
There is no way to know exactly what Evan felt at that moment while standing on the ledge of the window before taking his life. Personally, I think life just was too much for him. Too big. Too challenging. He just wanted out. Could he have been saved? Yes, he could of but the real question is would he ever be truly happy? Really happy? He was on medication for awhile that seemed to help him but he wanted to off them. The parents and psychiatrist decided to give it a try. He slowly started going down hill. Before they were able to put him back on medication he took his life. Should they have left him on medication? I do not know. He probably would of stopped taking them anyway if he did not want them. I took myself off my medication a long time ago. It was stupid and risky but I was not going to live a life on medication. To me medication makes me someone I am not. I do not want to be happy because of medication. I rather work through my problems and learn what makes me happy in life without pills. I am stubborn I know. No pain no gain right? Right!
Why me? Why do I suffer from it? I do not have a clue. Maybe my birth mother did too. They did say she was an alcoholic which means maybe she was trying to numb the pain of depression. Who knows! For whatever reason I am one of thousands who deal with it. I cant change it. I can only learn ways to cope with it. I am not going to say if you have depression or bipolar disorder that I understand you. I dont think anyone knows exactly how someone feels with it unless you are that person. But I will tell you I know how it feels to be down and hopeless. I know the feeling of being alone. The feeling of no motivation. So, do not think you are alone. You are not. Maybe that is why I want to help people with depression, bipolar or other mental illness. I know how it feels. It helps to be able to connect that way. One day i would like to help teenagers and adults who deal with it to see life is worth living. There is something out there for them and they are here for a reason. First, I need to figure out my purpose. Maybe that is my purpose. I do not know yet but I will keep trying to find it.
I think I have gone on long enough. I could continue with all my thoughts and opinions and my world but I will let your eyes have a rest. Let those eyes rest! To conclude, Evan and I had similarities but differences too. He suffered from mental illness also but the difference was he could not overcome them. They were too much for him to handle and he just left this world behind. I am too strong willed to let my mind take control of me most of the time. Sometimes I wish I was not so strong but I am thankful for it. It keeps me alive. Helps me through every hour of everyday. In life you can change things for the better but death is permanent. Its not easy in my life but its better than not having no life. So, all I have to do is take a step at a time. Its a rocky road but I got to keep my feet on the ground and find the meaning of life. I hope everyone had a nice week. The weather was gorgeous here. Stay happy and positive because it is Friday!
Anna, I appreciate how much courage it takes to put it all on the line as you have in this post. That’s the first step you know, being able to look honestly at yourself and put it into words. I study Kabbalah and have found answers to my questions of why? What’s the meaning of it all? Where am I going? I want you to know there are answers. Keep searching. Remember we are one soul in many bodies…We’re one. Hug your mom for me and give the ‘kids’ an extra treat…Sal
You are doing the right thing Anna. We all need help along the way and not getting it at the right time can send us into hell.Some of us lose self confidence and become too shy to search out a helping hand.Later,after wasting so many years we might just get lucky and find that special person,but many don’t and then death seems the only road to take…IT IS NOT !
You are a special person and can help many people.Please keep trying.
Sweetie, we all have tough spots that we have to deal with. It’s not getting knocked down that takes character and heart, it is getting back up. I love you and will always be here for you 🙂
AZ, your mum needs you, your pets need you, we need you, the internet needs you, the world needs you, the universe… ignore your mind see the reality.
Anna,
I suffer from depression. I take medication. I don’t have a problem with it, because I am aware I am nothing if but a collection of chemicals. Chemicals that govern my body’s natural rhythms. I use drugs all the time, some of them are natural, hormones, adrenaline, sugars from foods, chilli and chocolate. Others like caffeine and alcohol are more recognisable.
Okay I need something extra to regulate my moods, big deal, I need contacts too, or glasses, whatever, if this were another time in history I’d be less effective in life, because my short sightedness wouldn’t be corrected, I don’t feel the need to stop wearing my corrective lenses to prove I am a stronger person. Sometimes I need to take anti-biotics, when the course is complete I’m done with them, these too serve a purpose.
I too was a precocious kid, I enjoyed the company of adults and my childhood felt like I was waiting for my peers to grow up. They did, things did get better.
What I can observe in hindsight is that don’t be afraid of using whatever you have to your advantage, life isn’t fair. Your depression will interfere with your deadlines for work, let the school know. work it, take whatever you can – whatever life will give up.
Remember this condition persists because it does confer some advantages, it is associated with creativity and intelligence; I see in your account my own struggles, you are brave and strong because you can manage to continue day to day. I didn’t realise what that meant until I saw other people shut down and struggle with stress, I deal with that every day just to get through the day and achieve every day things like going into town, when that’s scary then dealing with other things that cause people to freeze, like an accident, I don’t because I’m used to coping.
All the best
It sounds like you may have been diagnosed by someone with clinical depression or dysthymia, since you said you have never been diagnosed with anything else. Is that right? If so, you might want to talk to your doc about it. There are non-medication ways to manage bipolar disorder that are in addition to the things you do for depression. Also, if you do decide to use medication again at some point, I recommend that you talk to your doctor about the possibility of bipolar disorder. Many anti-depressants can make bipolar disorder worse.
I do understand what you are going through. I started feeling depressed when I was 13, and it is something I have dealt with since then. I was put on antidepressants when I was 17, and it made my Type II bipolar disorder much worse. It also did not help the depressive side of my disorder. I still felt apathetic, had difficulty concentrating in school, and had suicidal thoughts. I went off of meds when I was 21 until last year (I’m 29). I finally faced the fact that I probably had bipolar disorder, and I was sick of feeling depressed.
I made an appointment at a practice that a friend recommended, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve made. I do take medication now. I was very skeptical and anxious about it, especially after my experience with antidepressants, but they are a big help. They are only a part of managing my mood, which also includes: regular exercise, healthy nutrition and eating habits, staying on the same sleep schedule every day, and maintaining a healthy social network.
My quality of life has increased dramatically, and I feel like I have my life back. Your situation is different, I’m sure, but it sounds similar enough that I thought my input might be useful. Thanks for sharing your thoughts with everyone!
You are such a wise young woman Anna. Your post was so insightful, honest, courageous and inspirational. I think you’re terrific and I believe that you will do wonderful things in your lifetime. Not knowing just what those things may be is absolutely appropriate at your age, and you have a whole world and lifetime ahead of you to figure out your purpose(s) and what makes you happiest and fulfilled. Life is a journey, not a destination. I wish you so many good things on your life journey Anna. Though the road may be bumpy at times, keep on traveling and exploring your path with self-honesty and integrity, and you’ll find the things you’re seeking.
Sal – I wont give up on searching. Thanks.
Rodney – Thats very true. So many feel lost without somebody else in their life but the thing is being on your own and independent can make you so strong.
Doug – Thanks!
Baden – That is what keeps me going.
Charles – If i really cant handle being happy and get worse than I would consider medication but if I can continue finding what helps me without medication than I am certainly staying off it.
Andrew – I think that is wonderful! I am glad that you are doing well. I will see how I do and if meds are needed than I will. First I want to see if I can thrive without them. I mean summer is coming which means nicer weather and I always seem better than.
Elise – Thanks so much! Just keep trying to follow my path.
Anna,
I’ve long been an advocate of talking about mental health. As a former President of a distress centre/crisis line for both community and youth at risk, I have long known that depression and suicide are an epidemic, and like the black plague, one that nobody wants to talk about.
Your bravery to discuss the subject is to your credit, and the candor with which you do it, makes it enlightining for those who have never spent time with this issue.
I’m also a big believer that we as a collective society need to take responsibility for being proactive in both being educated and participating in the every day support of those around you.
I also believe as we become educated we’ll discover, environment, diet, wrong prescriptions as well as many other obvious issuse like abuse, discrimiation and bullying in society are part of the collective cause.
Remedies like support groups, proper diet and my particular focus of education, Positive Music will together play a holistic role in this issue that take far more lives then any homicide statistic.
Keep up the bloggins and Twittering… or is that Tweeting… :>) Anna.
BIG HUGS! Great work!
Victor – Thats one of the big problems with our society. We are uneducated about mental illnesses that the people who suffer from them feel alone. They do not want to share because so many people do not understand. I can relate. Why waste the time explaining something that they will not understand. We are so uneducated about most things and that is what causes a lot of reserved people not reaching out for help and when they do reach out no one helps.
Hehe. I will keep blogging and tweeting. Its my way of expressing.
Anna,
stop this please, you are not mentally ill, you are not bipolar, you are not in “pathological” depression, you are a completely normal human being.
You have found the problem and the solution but you just want to start do it. These are your own words and they carry the answer:
(((((((Living as me is not easy. It is like living in a world where you do not belong. Do I belong somewhere in this world? I do believe so. I am not sure where. I wish I knew)))))))
You simply don’t belong there, you just don’t want this kind of life that was CHOSEN AND DECIDED for you. you hate your birth mother, don’t deny it, you know you do, she gave you up, she had forsaken you. She changed your entire life into one that you simply don’t accept but because you are so grateful to your adopting mother, you don’t want to confront yourself with this fact. Instead you try to show your refusal by anything but not facing it.
The way out is simple, you have to travel, see different cultures, and you will know where to settle when you mind finds peace, when you feel in harmony with the society around you. I know where will you find this, and I think you also know.
Yesser – Thanks for your thought on this. Except. I do believe you are not certainly right and educated from my view. One thing is. No one is normal. Can you tell me you are normal? Never suffered from depression ever in your life? Ever? Nothing caused you to be down? Everyone has some problems they deal with. Honestly. I do not hate my birth mother like I said. I cant. Yes, she probably made stupid decisions throughout life but everyone does. I dont hate her. Why? Because I have a better life here than I could ever have there probably. I could of stayed in the orphanage my entire life and than get kicked out at age 18. Now, I have a home. 18 and not kicked out. I say this is a pretty nice life. I am grateful of my mom. Do i like exactly where I am located? No, this town is just not my place. Do i have problems just because of that? No. I will hopefully take a road trip one day around the usa and see whats out there. Wont blame my birth mother and definitely wont put the blame on my mother now because she is the one who showed me life is better.
I do believe you are not certainly right and educated from my view.
Well, thank you, I might not be right but I am certainly educated on a professional scale.
One thing is. No one is normal.
Entirely wrong, most of the people are normal according to the medical dictionary definition of normal.
Can you tell me you are normal? Never suffered from depression ever in your life? Ever? Nothing caused you to be down?
I did suffered from depression like any normal human being with one big difference from you, we get back to normal from depression, you don’t, you like to be there with the depression, it’s your friend Anna.
I do not hate my birth mother like I said. I cant.
yes you can’t say it. When I give birth to my child, I am responsible for him/her saftey and psychological well-being, it’s a one way decision, you bring a child, you are strictly required to afford him/her a decent life at least emotionally by being with him/her, by giving the kind of love that no one else can give. Being in a lower socioeconomic state with love is certainly more healthy than being in a higher one with constant depression and mental conflicts.
Yasser – So, I am normal? Atleast to the definition of normal? Having like a brain, 10 fingers and 10 toes? Yes, thats true. But if I was totally normal and perfect life would have no meaning.
Depression is my friend? Is it? Are you positive? I highly doubt that. I have to say I am use to it but I am no friend with it. I work hard to keep it from me. I wouldnt call it a friend. I would say its part of me that you learn to cope with and not let it run my life. We have our different views. Sorry.
Yes we have different views,
I am straight to the point and you turn around it.
This is what the wikipedia wrote about depression:
Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. Some consider it a dysfunction, while others see it as an adaptive defense mechanism. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines a depressed person as experiencing feelings of sadness, helplessness and hopelessness. In traditional colloquy, feeling “depressed” is often synonymous with feeling “sad”, but both clinical depression and non-clinical depression can also refer to a conglomeration of more than one feeling.
The precise number of individuals who have severe depression are not known but estimates indicate that about 12 million adults in the US have depression. Depression cuts across all barriers and affects all races, cultures and social classes. The disorder generally begins in early adulthood but can occur at any age. While hospital data reveal that more women have depression, it is hypothesized that this is because men are less likely to seek treatment. Depression occurs in various grades and symptoms are likely to vary in intensity.
Slight depression is of minor consequence. One may become slightly depressed over a loss of a job; break up of a romantic relationship or divorce. Other causes of slight depressions include loss of a parent, sibling, marital stress, job anxiety, moving or not having a great job. Slight depression may present with feelings of sadness, sleeping problems, irritability, being easily annoyed and feeling tired. Slight depression is reversible and short term. Most people get over slight depression with time and supportive therapy.
There are some individuals whom may develop mild depression, which may start gradually for no reason. The individual may start to feel tired, restlessness, loneliness and have difficulty sleeping. In many cases, the individual loses interest in sex and wants to be left alone. One may be able to go to work but not have any enjoyment. Mild depression may last a lot longer than slight depression, but can be overcome with changes in lifestyle, psychotherapy and social support. [1]
However, some individuals develop severe depression, which may induce feelings of suicidal ideation as it is common in severe depression. In severe depression, one may feel sad constantly, cry for no apparent reason, have trouble sleeping and focusing , become fatigued, feel worthless, have headaches or even backache . [2] While slight depression has a cause, both mild and severe depression generally are complex disorders, which are not well understood. Mild depression may be related to the environment, such as being unable to cope with a certain job, unemployment, financial problems or loss of a loved one. No one understands why severe depression occurs. Even though many brain imaging studies have been done, the exact neurotransmitters in the brain which play a role in depression are still in question. Some studies do show that severe depression may be more common in families. [3] Although the exact causes of depression are unknown, there are several risk factors that can trigger or increase the risk of depression.
Thanks. I already know what depression is. So we have to agree to disagree. Because you think I am wrong and I dont agree with your look at it. I do accept your view though.
Hi Anna,
Very thoughtful post, I am not an expert in mental health but I have dealt with my own very mild depressions all my life. School is sometimes organized in a way that is a torture to you if you have to deal with mental illnesses, it is difficult for everyone too but it is not socially accepted to admit it. It seems that you have to wear your shiny-happy-people mask all the time and that is just not right.
Your description of what is it going when you have a depression (or bipolar disorder maybe, I’m not an expert) is very accurate including the element of guilt that is so strange because guilt seemed to be a moral issue. I think in most human societies the element of shame is also a big obstacle, and sometimes the shame and guilt are so impressed on you that you self-inflict you with them.
In my case the way I deal with my own emotional weights is to learn the most I can about human affairs. I don’t have time to read all the time, but I found that classic literature of sad mood (like Dostoievsky and Tolstoi) helps a lot to put things in perspective. Dealing with your emotions is about changing your perspective on the things that annoy you and drag you down. But I also read good mood (sometimes light) literature to keep my mind cheered up.
Someone said that the cure for apathy is curiosity and there is no cure for curiosity, I try to apply this basically reading a lot, listening to music, working out, staying outdoors, going to cultural events (even alone, no shame of being alone) and I fortunately have a challenging job with an appreciative boss.
I think that you are in a good direction learning to deal with loneliness but at the same time not quitting from human contact and human relationships. I think we need both things-loneliness and relationships-but sometimes we have to rely on ourselves with very little outside help. But reaching out for help is important.
I understand there is a biochemical switch in your brain that seems to work without your consent, but I guess that one way to cope with it is to have healthy habits like the ones you mentioned. My readings on the subject tell me that there is a lot of unhealthy thoughts that you need to eradicate with the help of a change in your point of view. At the end, there is pain but if at least your thoughts are not accomplices with your physical distress your life is a little better.
Best Regards,
Mauricio – Thanks for your input. I do agree you should not wear a mask all the time. That is not healthy. Can cause more feelings of loneliness and depression. I just do it a lot because I am still trying to be more open vocally. It is so much easier though for me to just express myself through writing. Thats what I do. It should help though because spring is here which means I can go on my long bicycle rides to get away and release energy. Yeah, I think reaching out for help is important. That is one of my issues. I dont reach for help most of the time. I feel like I have to do everything on my own. I dont know why. I have always been that way. Not needing help. Shutting people out. Gotta work on that and trying to change my views of myself because that doesnt help. Thanks again.
My beautiful girl. A very brave post.
love, m o m
Oh Anna, with all do respect to Yasser, who hopefully means well, he/she has made many inaccurate, false statements in their comments to you. PLEASE do not be swayed by this person, and if you have any doubts bring them to your own therapist to discuss. Please take care of yourself Anna, and be careful about the advice you may receive along the way. Along with much caring and good advice, you are likely to also get incorrect or even harmful feedback. When in doubt, if you find yourself unsure about what advice to listen to, discuss the matter with your own therapist and/or your mom. They know your individual situation, and together with you they will help you process and sort things out, so that you arrive at the conclusion which fits for you and is in your personal best interest.
One last thing… you rock! 🙂
Mom – Thanks 🙂
Chloe – Thanks for your input and opinion. I am not one of those people who believes someone who says something. Cant convince me easily. I stay with my opinions and thoughts. I know Yasser is wrong on points. He says he knows but he doesnt.
Anna, when I wrote “Please take care of yourself and be careful about the advice you may receive along the way. Along with much caring and good advice, you are likely to also get incorrect or even harmful feedback” – I was referring to the advice from strangers, not from those near and dear to you or from your therapist.
I just wanted to clear that up.
For what it’s worth …you say you can go from happy to sad many times in one day. As a bipolar, it’s been suggested that I am a “rapid cycler.” So how rapid is rapid? The literature says that several times a day is not indicative of bipolar disorder as defined in the DM-something.
So there’s that.
I was diagnosed for 40 years with chronic depression. Then, in 1997 a doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder after 20 minutes in her office. So did another one and another.
So there’s that.
Finally, living with a mental disorder every day is touch. But, you can’t beat those
times when you’re in the “zone” of up – but – not – too – up.
Plus, I hate it when they say, “At least you’re not in a wheelchair.”
Wow, how about all those typo’s and poor grammar!
Yikes!
I really like when people are expressing their opinion and thought. So I like the way you are writing