I have always been interested in documentaries. Especially, ones to do with psychology and mental illnesses. Maybe its because I have my own various mental problems that I deal with everyday, which means I can connect with the documentaries. For whatever reason understanding mental illnesses is an interest of mine. So, when my mother told me about Boy Interrupted, which is a documentary about a boy named Evan that dealt with bipolar disorder (manic depression) who committed suicide, I decided I have to see it. I watched it with my mom the day it came in the mail. It was sad but a good documentary full of information and strength.

In this post I am going to share about the secrets of my mind that most of you probably do not know. The side of me that I do not let most people know about. The side I do not talk about much. I will explain and express the thoughts and feelings I deal with everyday. The ways I cope and the things in life that keep me going. Also, I will share my viewpoints on the documentary and how I can relate and what is different between Evan and me. So, sit down. Get ready to read a lot because this will probably be long and full of emotion and me. Its a great way to express myself because it is definitely easier for me to write than talk about my feelings. My therapy through writing.

Lets start off with some history of me. Most of you know that I was adopted from Russia when I was three years old. Did you know the first few years of life is so important for a child’s development? It is. Which means I probably did not get the right guidance and care when I was a baby. It is the same thing with all animals. Look at an abandoned puppy that does not grow up with its mother and siblings. It might end up having bad social skills or cant play right with other dogs. My point is the first few years of life is when a child learns the skills to socialize and express themselves. That could be the reason why I do not express my feelings a lot or well. Do I blame or hate my birth mother for that? No. She did what she decided to do. Why live with hate towards someone who was probably dealing with her own problems. I dont know what she was going through and I never will. I am thankful to her because I have the best mom now who gave me my second chance in life.

As a toddler I use to have tantrums and so did the boy from the documentary. You know how kids have tantrums for attention a lot as a toddler? I dont think that is why I had mine most of the time. Looking back I can remember being in a tantrum and I feeling trapped. Kinda like a totally different person in control. The other side of me. You know how people have seizures and cant control them? It is like that except in tantrum form. I use to scream and cry until I could not anymore. Then after I would feel worse because I put my mom through hell. Even when I was little I got mad at myself for putting my mom through the drama. Maybe it was a way to escape pain. Maybe it was my way to express myself because I did not know any other way how. It might of been the first sign of me having some kind of chemical imbalance in my brain. Now I cope in different ways to handle my problems.

I know some of you say I am an old soul in a young body. Maybe I am. Maybe I am just trying to find me. Even when I was young I always thought I was suppose to be an adult. I have always preferred being around grown ups instead of people my age. Do I enjoy it all the time? No. It bothers me at times. Irritates me. Why cant I just live my age? Why cant I enjoy being a teenager? I mean a lot of teenagers have problems but even as a child I felt trapped. Trapped inside and cant get out. Almost like being trapped in a box with glass sides. Just looking out at the world. Waiting to be released. Waiting for my chance to enjoy life. Maybe I am waiting for myself to realize my purpose. Is there one or am I just here? I do believe everyone has a purpose in this world. They just need to discover it and I am still trying to. I hope to get out of this glass box one day.

Okay, enough about my history. Lets talk more about me now and how I cope with life and my mind. I do suffer from depression. I have most of my life. Dealt with feelings of being down. Feelings of guilt. Feelings of suicide. Laziness and everything else. Do I think it is just depression? No I dont. I mean doctors never diagnosed me with anything else but that could be because I am pretty secret about what I go through. I would diagnose myself as bipolar. That is Doctor Anna’s diagnosis. I do suffer from manic episodes and all the other bipolar symptoms. I can be really hyper and happy but then the next second I can be gloomy, lazy and suicidal. Or I do something really crazy and stupid for no reason. I got to stop that! I remember the first time I saw a movie about a girl who had bipolar and I could relate to her so much. Something clicked and I felt like I realized why I was the way I am. Why I felt that way. Doctors do not need to diagnose me because I am my own doctor. I diagnosed myself.

There are days I can go from happy to sad at least a few times throughout the day. I do not need any reason to be down or happy. You know how when you are depressed there is a clear reason why most of the time? Not always for me. It can be a hundred reasons why or none. Most of the time I do not have a clue. Just a switch in my brain going on and off. Thoughts spinning. I can be down for days or just for a few times throughout the day. Can people tell? Not always because one way I get through life is with my tough girl mask. Its a pretty neat mask. It comes with a smile that can cover a lot of emotion. I made it myself. I know I sound like a hypocrite to my own words. I tell people to not wear a  mask and to just be you. The thing is there are different types of masks. Good and bad masks. Mine is not to hide the true me. I still have my opinions and I am not trying to be someone else. I wear a mask just to hide the mental illnesses I deal with. Why would I want to be labeled as something else? I get judged enough for everything else that people want to see wrong with me. Plus, you know how people use their illnesses to get away with stuff? Oh, I have bipolar that is why I cant do that and that and that. Thats why I failed bla and bla. I hate how people do that! How is that healthy or helpful? I do not want to be friends with my illnesses. I want to be able to cope but not use it to get away with stuff.

We all know I hate school. I hate school with a passion. It is not just because of the work. Its not school itself that I hate. I am smart but my mind blocks me at times. It is torturous for me. Is it because of my mental instability? I think that has a big impact. Why? Because there are days I wake up with no motivation to put a pencil to a piece of paper. I end up handing in papers and projects late. The teachers ask me where is it and I tell them it is not done. Like I said above I don’t bring my illness into the reason. I know I look lazy and not responsible but I do try. My motivation level is very low in me. Very little self esteem but I have a strong will that keeps me going. I wish my mom saw that I do try. I know I disappoint her at times but all I try is to make her happy the best I can. Thats why I try to avoid talking about school. It irritates me because I do try but it just does not show always. Teachers threaten to call my mom. Do I care anymore? No. Why? Because it will just cause a fight with her and wont help my motivation. I do the work. Just it takes longer for me at times. Also, I am a perfectionist towards myself. I need everything I do to be perfect or it is horrible.

Living as me is not easy. It is like living in a world where you do not belong. Do I belong somewhere in this world? I do believe so. I am not sure where. I wish I knew. I hope to find that place one day. What keeps me going in life? My mom. Being her strength keeps me strong. She gives me so much love and inspiration. You have to be one amazing women to want to be my mother and deal with me. My dogs keep me going but especially Princess. If I ever have a problem I can always just hold Princess and pet her. She doesn’t talk back or look at my faults I have. She will walk miles with me, just to get away from everything for awhile. She is my furry angel with paws. My own personal therapy dog that is available at all times. Another thing that helps me through life everday is music. How? Music can soothe the soul and plus songs can relate to people’s emotions. There are lots of songs that can explain how I feel and life itself. Listening to music makes me happy. It always has. Maybe its the connection that comforts me. One other thing. Those few special people out there that I can be me around. I dont have to hide and I can be open about anything with them. They like me for me and do not judge me for my weaknesses. Why are there so few? It does not matter. As long as there are a few people out there that stand out. Who care. Who see me and who help me through. Thank you!

There is no way to know exactly what Evan felt at that moment while standing on the ledge of the window before taking his life. Personally, I think life just was too much for him. Too big. Too challenging. He just wanted out. Could he have been saved? Yes, he could of but the real question is would he ever be truly happy? Really happy? He was on medication for awhile that seemed to help him but he wanted to off them. The parents and psychiatrist decided to give it a try. He slowly started going down hill. Before they were able to put him back on medication he took his life. Should they have left him on medication? I do not know. He probably would of stopped taking them anyway if he did not want them. I took myself off my medication a long time ago. It was stupid and risky but I was not going to live a life on medication. To me medication makes me someone I am not. I do not want to be happy because of medication. I rather work through my problems and learn what makes me happy in life without pills. I am stubborn I know. No pain no gain right? Right!

Why me? Why do I suffer from it? I do not have a clue. Maybe my birth mother did too. They did say she was an alcoholic which means maybe she was trying to numb the pain of depression. Who knows! For whatever reason I am one of thousands who deal with it. I cant change it. I can only learn ways to cope with it. I am not going to say if you have depression or bipolar disorder that I understand you. I dont think anyone knows exactly how someone feels with it unless you are that person. But I will tell you I know how it feels to be down and hopeless. I know the feeling of being alone. The feeling of no motivation. So, do not think you are alone. You are not. Maybe that is why I want to help people with depression, bipolar or other mental illness. I know how it feels. It helps to be able to connect that way. One day i would like to help teenagers and adults who deal with it to see life is worth living. There is something out there for them and they are here for a reason. First, I need to figure out my purpose. Maybe that is my purpose. I do not know yet but I will keep trying to find it.

I think I have gone on long enough. I could continue with all my thoughts and opinions and my world but I will let your eyes have a rest. Let those eyes rest!  To conclude, Evan and I had similarities but differences too. He suffered from mental illness also but the difference was he could not overcome them. They were too much for him to handle and he just left this world behind. I am too strong willed to let my mind take control of me most of the time. Sometimes I wish I was not so strong but I am thankful for it. It keeps me alive. Helps me through every hour of everyday. In life you can change things for the better but death is permanent.  Its not easy in my life but its better than not having no life. So, all I have to do is take a step at a time. Its a rocky road but I got to keep my feet on the ground and find the meaning of life. I hope everyone had a nice week. The weather was gorgeous here. Stay happy and positive because it is Friday!