School has started here for most kids and seeing my neighbors start high school is crazy. To me they seem so young and little even though some of them are taller than me. Except, being taller than me is not hard to do. As I look back I remember wondering how I would feel about not going back to school when it started. Well, I am not sad about it but I am feeling exactly as I knew I would feel. The feeling of, what the f*** am I going to do with my life now?
Who am I? Dont worry I know my name but I never really knew who I am. As I look in the mirror I never liked what I saw. Okay, that’s the worse example ever because I never liked my looks. Yeah thats right, if I was rich I would go get surgery to become the perfect puppet of our culture. Anyways, I could do it like in the movies and just drive or go away until I find myself but their is no guarantee that will work. Maybe I could do a math problem to figure it out but who am I kidding? I hate math so that wouldnt work. There has to be more to me besides my name.
Do I have a purpose? With all the chances I have been given in this world there must be one. I use to think everyone had a purpose but I am not sure. There are so many people without one in this world. People who wander around like zombies. I guess they havent found one yet or they have given up on looking. I will find my purpose or purposes somehow someway. Its really about making your purpose.
Where do I start? Starting is the biggest challenge. Its hard to know where exactly to start but is there really a wrong place to start? Starting anywhere seems better than starting nowhere. Exploring is always an idea. Finding where I belong. Where I will shine. Where my heart is.
Can I do this? Wouldnt it be great if I could say yes with confidence but all I can say is I think so. I will definitely try. I am unstoppable once I can do something.
Am I ready? I am ready to live but not ready for life.
So, it may take me longer than a lot to get my grips on life but I will slowly get there. I got the car which will help me get out there and explore. Just gotta build my motivation, self esteem and confidence. Have to find out whats out there for a unique gal like me. I have to create myself. Once I am created, world watch out!
Anna, you are going through perfectly normal experiences. I think every kid feels some ‘separation anxiety’ on that first school day that they DON’T attend. School years with all their ‘confinement’ attributes still provide a sense of structure for kids. A safe haven in which decisions were made for you in most cases. Now you will have an opportunity to make your own construct to function within, a vision and a future for yourself. Establish a goal and then all else will fall into place on that path. Have fun, be true to your ideals and the rest will be easy! Sal
If you can,travel the world for a year.You can learn so much by meeting other nationalities and how they live,it broadens the mind.Take photos etc use them in a book of travel.I don’t mean straight away but when you feel ‘ready’.
Sal said it very well, that person is absolutely right. It is very rare at 19 to know what your life purpose is, or what you want to spend the rest of your life doing. Even of those rare few who do, most of them change their minds/paths along the way as they gain life experiences. Furthermore, of those that actually do stick with the paths they choose early in life, truth be told many of them would change careers if they could, but they feel stuck because they have to provide for their family or because they’ve created a lifestyle that doesn’t afford for them to change career direction and take a financial loss or risk.
You may be one of the rare few individuals who come upon what you end up feeling fulfilled by at an early age. But please, if you can, try to take some of the pressure off of yourself to make the right decision or the ultimate goal now at 19. Allow yourself to be flexible with your goals – very few decisions in life need to be permanent unless we want them to be. Pick a goal or a couple of goals, explore them, then let them guide you toward opportunities. Seek out opportunities, don’t wait too long for them to appear on their own. Don’t give up too quickly, because sometimes a goal might be the right one, but fear of risk or failure can make a person abandon their goal(s) too quickly. If, however, in your heart the goal doesn’t feel right, then explore some more and find new goals. “Life is not a destination, it is a journey!” That saying is so true! Life is an adventure – sometimes scary, sometimes boring, sometimes very exciting and hopefully very joyful, but generally over the years it is all of those things at various times.
You are young Anna. You have talents and passions, at least two of which I know of (animals, especially dogs, and photography). You are bright and insightful, though I’m not sure you realize how much so. I know for sure that you don’t give yourself enough credit, and that’s especially true in the looks department. You are adorable, quite pretty actually, and you don’t see that in yourself. But we are always our own harshest critic, and young women in particular are especially tough on themselves. That’s why there’s such a plastic surgery epidemic, eating disorders, etc. I’m guessing that someday, years from now, you will look back at your 19 year old self and shake your head in wonder at why you ever thought so little of yourself, and wish you had seen how cute you were (are). I wish for you that it won’t take so long for you to appreciate yourself and your beauty, but unfortunately society today with all the false advertising, airbrushing, lighting tricks, makeup artist work, etc. make it difficult for girls and women to not be hard on themselves. That’s so unfortunate. It’s so sad, especially when the reality is that the girl/woman is actually very cute, which you are Anna.
It may take you a longer time than some, and a shorter time than others, to “get your grips on life” as you put it, but you will do it.
Yes, you need to build up your motivation, self esteem and confidence, just as you said. You need to ask questions, explore opportunities (and sometimes create them as well). Along the way, with time and some trial and error you will indeed find out whats out there for a ‘unique gal’ like you! 🙂 Action begets action. Start somewhere, take some chances, don’t sell out or get involved with people who are unhealthy or bad for you. Honor yourself, even if you have to “fake it till you make it” or “act as if” (meaning act as if you already loved yourself and believed in yourself and make decisions from that place, and allow NO ONE to take advantage of you!!).
Create yourself Anna, one day at a time.
I hope you don’t mind me offering my unsolicited advice. I totally mean well, wish you all the best, and hope that sharing some of what I’ve learned along the way might be helpful somehow, in some way.
Sending a hug to you, all the way from CA to NJ! xx